When I was doing my non-fiction writing class, I got feedback on one of my assignments and the nature of the comments related to how they saw me in regards to the piece I wrote. It was mortifying to see that many of my classmates saw how I’m so afraid of failure, of not believing in myself. I was so hard on myself then and even now I censure myself. It is a cycle of being afraid and not facing my fears, of not exposing myself to others, of not accepting my flaws. This self-doubt has been appearing more and more these past weeks because I have had a lot of free time on my hands due to unemployment. And it is interfering with my writing, with my sense of self, with my existence.
I never believed much in horoscope and its influence in my life, but K. created for me my natal chart and maybe it is pseudoscience but many of the things shown about me is true today. Virgo with Gemini rising. Maybe this doesn’t mean anything, but am organized, logical, perfectionist (Virgo) and flexible, communicative (Gemini). I knew this before I had them displayed for me. I also know that I’m controlling, hard on myself and others, stubborn. So closed off to the point of idealizing people. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel overwhelmed when I get in contact with emotions I can’t handle or when things don’t go my way. I’m perceived as someone outgoing but inside all I feel is a tension telling me to stop but also go.
Talking to some very dear friends, I was able to shed this embarrassment of being vulnerable and embrace that there are days that I will need to listen to “crying to sleep” playlists. Because for those days, I will have another that I will spend an hour talking to my friend on the phone about plot and character development. I will be 26 is September(!) so I decided I needed to just try to let go of this doubt and self-esteem issue and be proud of the things I have achieved even though I am never satisfied because perfectionism. So here is it:
20 things I feel happy whenever I think of them:
1 I was born
2 I learned to rollerblade and ride a bike by the time I was seven. I also had my first arm cast around that time
3 I cried when I moved cities the second time because I was leaving my best friend behind
4 I learned English and Spanish at the same time. I think both were hard to learn but Spanish was trickier because of its similarities with Portuguese. At the beginning I would feel a false sense of security when speaking and then I remember that “cola” (glue) in Pt is not the same “cola” (tail) in Spanish and I cringe a bit. I’m (slowly) learning Japanese
5 I made a lifelong bond with a girl I used to exclude from my squad (and dare I say bullied?) when I was younger. Now we don’t speak as much but I have a fondness for her that always warms me whenever I think of her. Whenever we do talk, it’s as if time resumed for us
6 I learned HTML/CSS/PHP because I wanted to have a Sakura CardCaptor website. I improved my English so much during that time. I also had my own domain and it was a pseudo depressing blog about nothing in particular
7 I learned to read and write. I love to read and whenever I do I remember that I can. When I was 3, I was diagnosed with toxoplasmosis in my left eye and in my brain and the doctors used to say I wouldn’t go very far in life. They also said I wouldn’t be able to drive
8 I have my driver’s license, thank you very much
9 I have travelled alone more than once and going has never bothered me. It is coming back that leaves me anxious
10 I graduated twice from university. Many can say the same thing, but I’m proud of what I have learned there
11 If given enough time, I can be a great stalker and find you what you need
12 I’m great with bureaucracy and rules and understanding them to have a good life
13 I give great hugs, if I do say myself
14 It has been years since my last toxoplasmosis relapse. And that I have had a cavity (go me!)
15 I have two tattoos and plans for more
16 I’m made of an optimistic heart and a pragmatic mind
17 I can multitask like it’s an Olympic sport
18 I know and follow and love hockey and not football/soccer (whatever I’m destined to be Canadian)
19 I love you, family and friends <3! I’m learning to open up so they can see more of me
20 I FAIL. Most of the time, even. I don’t really get happy when I think of this. But I’m happy that I can put this out there. FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL. I admit this and I will get better at accepting it.
20.1 I can write and I will. One day you’ll have in your shelf a book by me. One that will make you cry in relief. Promise.
And because this is me, here’s
5 Things I regret:
1 I didn’t bungee jump in Cape Town
2 I didn’t kiss you
3 I didn’t apply for Genetics, or Nuclear Physics or Graphic Design
4 I barely cry
5 I still doubt myself.
Writing this I can SEE the parts where I shy away from exposing myself too much. Which was not the goal at all. Yet I’m getting the hang of not being so hard on myself so whatever. I’ll write more about them later, I know this. It is a daily process of acceptance.